The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

No, I did not coin that line. That line was thought of by Yasmin Ahmad and her team. Whoever thought of that line is brilliant; such a simple line and yet enlightening.

Last night, I was chatting with a friend and she was talking to me about her past relationships and somehow I told her something like this, “when you are in love with a person, you will love the person as a whole. You can’t just choose what you love about a person and then write off those parts that you don’t like.” Relationship doesn’t happen this way. Very often when we love someone, we have to accept the ‘package’ that comes with the person, be it good or bad.

And yet there are some who are still searching for the ideal or perfect partner.

Below is a new TV commercial launched by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) which looks at relationships in a different light. Something from the video that we can use to remind ourselves of the beautifully imperfections: “ … in the end, its these small things that you remember … little imperfections that make them perfect for you.” Perhaps, you can spare 3 minutes of your time to watch this video?

It is very important to know what love and concern mean for your loved ones too. They may be seeing things from a different perspective as you. I remember reading a story before of a young boy and his father.

“They were planting some seeds and upon seeing the worried face on his son, the father told his son not to worry as by spring, the seed would grow to knee height. Upon hearing that, the son asked, “Dad, your knee or mine?” A simple story and yet very enlightening. A lot of time, misunderstandings could be easily prevented if we could see things from the other person’s perspective.”

In the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman, it asked, “How do you show someone that you care?” Do you show it the way that you want others to show their cares to you? As the saying goes, “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.” In so to speak, it seems ‘right’ that one should show care to others the way one want others to show care to one. Not exactly ‘right’ literally in this case.

I would not say it is a clear ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way. When one is talking about Human, one can never see what another see without putting oneself in other’s shoes. There is much wisdom in this. The truth is that people define the same experiences in different ways and they define different experiences in the same way. Have I managed to cause confusion in you?

Let us read a passage from the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman:

Justin and Casey were good friends with a little problem in problem solving. If either of them was upset, the other would consistently make it worse. Yet how was this possible? They were both trying to help! To understand why it wasn’t working for either of them, consider their two ways of defining how friends “should” treat upset friends. When Justin is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” become interested and ask a lot of questions. When Casey is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” leave him alone to work it out. What happens when they do unto one another? Casey leaves Justin alone and Justin feels abandoned. Justin pesters Casey with questions and Casey feels annoyed.

Nobody gets what he or she wants and everybody gets more upset. Yet their problem could be easily solved if only they knew each other’s complex of equivalents for friendship when either is upset. Then Casey would know to ask Justin questions and Justin would know to leave Casey alone.

An overlooked in each other different in definition of friendship when either is upset led to misunderstandings. Realization is instant; one needs to be able to show care in a way that another person can understand. This same rule can be applied to other aspects of one’s life. Communication is important and even more important is seeing things from a different perspective; from the other’s point of view.

Have you ever been in similar situation where you thought the other person didn’t care but then it was only because he/she shown it in a different way? And how did you manage to work things out?

———————————-
Yahoo! Personals 7 Day FREE Trial offer