What was the reaction of the father when he got to the hospital and saw the dead child? Don’t let the cat out of the bag if you have read this before. For those who had not read this before, did you think that the father would fly into a rage and would reprimand his wife for not capping the bottle? Were you blaming the wife as well? But shouldn’t the husband just take time to put the bottle away? So who was to be blamed actually?

The father wasn’t angry at his wife at all. He looked at his wife and uttered just four words. What do you think were the four words?

The husband just said, “I love you, darling.”

The wisdom he displayed was truly an inspiration. The child was already dead and no way he could be brought back to life. What good would it do him to be angry with his wife? He responded by taking responsibility for his action; not taking time to put the bottle away.

He understood that his wife had lost her only child too. What she needed most was consolation and sympathy from him. That is what he gave her.

From the first time I read this story, I have been using it to remind myself to have the wisdom like the man. I must be less haste to find fault and to always take a more proactive perspective. I am not always successful yet. But practice makes better.

Blaming others for the mistakes seemed to be the natural thing to do whenever something bad happened. As the saying goes, “it is always easier to find fault with others than with ourselves.” Dr. Robert Anthony said, “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Let us take ownership and be in control.

No, I did not coin that line. That line was thought of by Yasmin Ahmad and her team. Whoever thought of that line is brilliant; such a simple line and yet enlightening.

Last night, I was chatting with a friend and she was talking to me about her past relationships and somehow I told her something like this, “when you are in love with a person, you will love the person as a whole. You can’t just choose what you love about a person and then write off those parts that you don’t like.” Relationship doesn’t happen this way. Very often when we love someone, we have to accept the ‘package’ that comes with the person, be it good or bad.

And yet there are some who are still searching for the ideal or perfect partner.

Below is a new TV commercial launched by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) which looks at relationships in a different light. Something from the video that we can use to remind ourselves of the beautifully imperfections: “ … in the end, its these small things that you remember … little imperfections that make them perfect for you.” Perhaps, you can spare 3 minutes of your time to watch this video?

It is very important to know what love and concern mean for your loved ones too. They may be seeing things from a different perspective as you. I remember reading a story before of a young boy and his father.

“They were planting some seeds and upon seeing the worried face on his son, the father told his son not to worry as by spring, the seed would grow to knee height. Upon hearing that, the son asked, “Dad, your knee or mine?” A simple story and yet very enlightening. A lot of time, misunderstandings could be easily prevented if we could see things from the other person’s perspective.”

In the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman, it asked, “How do you show someone that you care?” Do you show it the way that you want others to show their cares to you? As the saying goes, “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.” In so to speak, it seems ‘right’ that one should show care to others the way one want others to show care to one. Not exactly ‘right’ literally in this case.

I would not say it is a clear ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way. When one is talking about Human, one can never see what another see without putting oneself in other’s shoes. There is much wisdom in this. The truth is that people define the same experiences in different ways and they define different experiences in the same way. Have I managed to cause confusion in you?

Let us read a passage from the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman:

Justin and Casey were good friends with a little problem in problem solving. If either of them was upset, the other would consistently make it worse. Yet how was this possible? They were both trying to help! To understand why it wasn’t working for either of them, consider their two ways of defining how friends “should” treat upset friends. When Justin is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” become interested and ask a lot of questions. When Casey is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” leave him alone to work it out. What happens when they do unto one another? Casey leaves Justin alone and Justin feels abandoned. Justin pesters Casey with questions and Casey feels annoyed.

Nobody gets what he or she wants and everybody gets more upset. Yet their problem could be easily solved if only they knew each other’s complex of equivalents for friendship when either is upset. Then Casey would know to ask Justin questions and Justin would know to leave Casey alone.

An overlooked in each other different in definition of friendship when either is upset led to misunderstandings. Realization is instant; one needs to be able to show care in a way that another person can understand. This same rule can be applied to other aspects of one’s life. Communication is important and even more important is seeing things from a different perspective; from the other’s point of view.

Have you ever been in similar situation where you thought the other person didn’t care but then it was only because he/she shown it in a different way? And how did you manage to work things out?

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Words are very important. Words can heal and words can harm. Words can hurt grievously and for a long time. The tongue can bless and the tongue can curse. It is very important for us to control our words and tame our tongue when we are angry. Many times, when we are angry we say the most atrocious things. We forget ourselves and become indifferent to what we say. We blast the other person without mercy, although we may not mean those words. But words once spoken cannot be taken back and it takes a long time to forgive and forget.

We have to exercise self-control. Many couples are particularly prone to such outbursts when they get mad. But it is not an easy thing to control our tongue when we are provoked, boiled over with anger or have outburst of wrath. It is at such time that we have to learn to hold our tongue and to remain silent. If we can’t tame our tongue, we have to take a break or go for a walk to cool off. It is much easier to control the words before the blow-up than during the explosion.

Uncontrollable words spoken in anger can have devastating effect. Angry words, that are used unthinkingly, such as I don’t care, I can’t be bothered, I don’t need you, or you can go to hell cause pain and feelings of rejection. They give rise to insecurity. The unmeant and foolish words contain full of deadly poison and can play havoc in the mind. The unruly words get churned over for hours on end and create their worst mischief in a difficult relationship. It can take a very long time to forgive what was said. Let us learn to turn away from angry words before they leave our mouth and try to say healing words instead. It is so important to choose our words wisely.

When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses, often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

We must also be very careful that in our anger we do not label our children with ugly names such as fat, stupid, snake, pig, moron, busy-body, useless, good for nothing. Such negative words can do harm to them for years to come! When we say to someone, “You are an ugly, useless, despicable person,” we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.

Indeed, we do not want to spoil our relationship with our own precious children. We must always use words to build them up not words to knock them down. Be an encourager not a critic. They have enough people criticizing them but far too few approving and affirming them. So to help our children to fulfill their highest potential we should be their greatest ENCOURAGER. Encourage. Encourage. Encourage on every occasion.

Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you. Also, don’t utter vulgar or obscene words, Nor is it fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar. Avoid immoral talks, jokes or gossips. It is not right that any matters of sexual immorality or indecency or greed should even be mentioned among you.

Quarreling does no good, but only ruins the people who listen…Keep away from profane and foolish discussions. Such teaching is like an open sore that eats away the flesh. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents.

It is vitally important that we exercise our choice to speak helpful words wherever we are, particularly at home. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement, and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be one of the greatest acts of love. When we choose to speak words of care, words of encouragement, words of praise, words of love, words of admiration, positive words—they uplift and give meaning to our lives.

Everyday we need to give and receive words of encouragement, hope and joy. We then create an environment that is pleasant to be in and that gives us the confidence and courage to cope with our stressful life here and now. When we say to our parents, children, or friends, “I love you very much or I care for you or I think of you often” or “You are my great gift,” we choose to give life.

It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, Dad, I love you, and when a mother can say to her daughter, Child, I love you, a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.

Often, we want to hear words such as, I’ve been thinking of you today, or I missed you, or I wish you were here, or I really love you. It is not always easy to say these words, but such words can deepen our bonds with one another.

“Telling someone I love you in whatever way is always delivering good news. Nobody will respond by saying, Well, I know that already, you don t have to say it again! Words of love and affirmation are like bread. We need them each day, over and over. They keep us alive inside. When we say, I love you, and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, I hate you, we can destroy another person. Lets watch our words.”

At the same time, we must be careful that we are sincere in our words because if we say, I love you, without meaning it, then such words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they create new life. They give joy. They bring happiness. We have to make sure that our words are rooted from our heart.