This may sound simple, yet for many people, there is one choice far more important to them than kindness. This is the choice to attempt to control others’ feeling and behavior, outcomes, and their own painful feelings.

Kindness to yourself and to others comes from a desire to support your own highest good and the highest good of others. When your highest priority is to support the highest good of all, you are naturally kind. You don’t even have to think about it. It flows easily when your deepest desire is to be a loving, caring person.

But when your deepest desire is to protect yourself from getting hurt, then your automatic choice, particularly in conflict, is likely to attempt to control; with anger, withdrawal, blame, judgment, compliance, or resistance.

Jack claimed to love his wife Jenny. Yet as soon as Jenny didn’t do what he wanted or expected, he would immediately become angry, blaming and judgmental. Jenny, frightened of his anger and of losing his love, would immediately defend and then comply with Jack’s wishes, hoping to have control over his feelings and behavior toward her.

Jenny was afraid to do what she wanted to do. She constantly monitored her behavior, telling herself, “Jack will get mad if I do that.”

With all this anger, defensiveness and compliance, the fun, joy and passion that had been so wonderful at the beginning of their relationship was often non-existent.

Jack and Jenny sought my help because their marriage was in trouble and they wanted to save it. They both loved their two small children and didn’t want to break up the family.

As Jack and Jenny worked through the control issues that each had learned in their families, they started to have fewer conflict. Yet when a conflict did arise, each would automatically revert to their old behavior.

“I am going to give both of you an assignment,” I told them in our phone session. “It is a simple assignment, although not at all easy. This week, I want both of you to focus on being kind to yourselves and to each other. You will not be able to be kind to the other if you are not being kind to yourself. Jack, if you do not take loving care of yourself, you will end up feeling angry with Jenny. Jenny, if you are not taking loving care of yourself, you will end up trying to control Jack with your defensiveness and compliance. I know both of you try very hard to be kind to your children. I want both of you to practice treating yourselves and each other with the same kindness with which you treat your children.”

Both Jack and Jenny agreed to practice this assignment.

The next week, in their phone session, both of them claimed that the first four days of last week had been the best days in years.

“But then we slipped back into our old patterns,” said Jack. I forgot about kindness. Why is it so hard to remember?

“Jack, both you and Jenny have been practicing your controlling behaviors for your whole lives. These patterns are not easy to change. Your automatic unconscious response to fear is to control in some way. It takes a lot of practice for these patterns to change. You need to practice and practice making a conscious choice to be kind rather than slipping into the unconscious choice to control.”

Today, Jack and Jenny’s relationship is much improved. While they still occasionally revert to their controlling behavior, they are able to be kind much more of the time. As a result they are having more fun with each other, and their sexual relationship has greatly improved.

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honoured whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honoured him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. He then gave him two extra ribbons and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition. We’d like you to go out, find somebody to honour, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He met his boss and told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.

The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.

His surprised boss said, “Well, sure.” The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honouring somebody else?

The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat next to him He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I’m a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says ‘Who I Am Makes A Difference’ on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honour.

As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honour with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honour you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don’t pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me.

Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid and I love you!” The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn’t stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, “I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn’t think you loved me. Now I know you care. This is the happiest day I’ve known.”

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life……one being the boss’s son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson.

Remember… I give you a blue ribbon. Who you are makes a difference, and I wanted you to know that!

Each bright face was illuminated by positive thoughts and feelings as he or she eagerly anticipated the morning’s songs, meditations and exploration into yet another metaphysical cranny of the mind.

One morning the headmistress made an announcement to all the children gathered. “Today we begin a great experiment of the mind, of your mind.” She held up two small ivy plants, each potted in an identical container. “Here we have two plants,” she continued. “Do they look the same?”

All the children nodded solemnly. So did I, for, in this way, I was also a child.

“We will give the plants the same amount of light, the same amount of water, but not the same amount of attention,” she said. “Together we are going to see what will happen when we put one plant out in the kitchen, on the counter, away from our attention, and the other plant right here in this room on the mantel.”

She placed one plant on the white wooden ledge, then led the children en masse to the kitchen where she sat the other plant on the white counter. Afterward she led the parade of wide-eyed youngsters back to their places in the Great Room.

“Each day for the next month, we shall sing to our plant on the mantel,” she said. “We will tell it with words how much we love it, how beautiful it is. We will use our good minds to think good thoughts about this plant.”

One of the smallest children jumped to her feet.

“But, Ma’am, what about the plant out there?” She pointed a stubby finger toward the kitchen. The headmistress smiled at all her charges. “We will use the kitchen plant as the ‘control’ in our great experiment. How do you think it will work?”

“We won’t speak to it?”

“Not even a whisper.”

“We won’t send it any good thoughts?”

“That’s right. And then we’ll see what happens.”

Four weeks later my novice eyes were as wide and disbelieving as the children’s. The kitchen plant was leggy and sick-looking, and it hadn’t grown at all. But the Great Room plant, which had been sung to and swaddled in positive thoughts and words, had increased threefold in size with dark succulent leaves that fairly vibrated with energy when addressed with song, word or thought.

In order to prove the experiment - and also dry the tears of the tender-hearted among us who feared for the life of the other plant - the kitchen ivy was rescued from its solitary confinement and brought to the Great Room to join the other ivy on the mantel, but at the opposite end.

Within three weeks, the second plant had caught up with the first ivy.

Within four weeks, they could not be recognized, one from the other.