The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

If we accept the fact that each of us is unique and special in our own way, then why do some of us attempt to change our loved ones?

When we first fall in love with a person, we were attracted by some lovable traits of the other person. We felt a strong connection with the other person and almost as one with.

And yet over time some of us will start to detest these lovable traits which attracted us in the first place. That is when some of us will start to question and compare the person with another; why can’t he/she be more considerate like this person or why can’t he/she be more romantic like that person? Some of us will start to expect more from the person; why can’t he/she pays more attention to me?

Have we changed? Or has the person changed? Perhaps the person really does change over time. However, most probably the person each of us love is still the same person; we are just trying to change them to who we want them to be.

The Kay Way mentioned in her article You Can’t Change Men – Young Women Listen Up, “…before you decide to marry the man you want to change, take stock and find out if he is really the right one for you to avoid great heartache in the future for you both.” Although she wrote that article about women, I think even men make the mistake of trying to change the women they are in love with over time.

Thus instead of trying to change the other person, perhaps we need to think if we can really accept the person the way he/she is; we must not have the delusion that we will be able to change the person we are in love with.

Do we then just accept each person we loved unconditionally? Not exactly; If the person is abusive or toxic, it doesn’t make sense to accept the person just the way he/she is.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.” - Paulo Coelho. I believe that when we truly love another, we will be inspired to change ourselves to be a better person.

When I was in my junior college, I was in love with a school mate. I was also a bad tempered guy who was easily agitated. Then one day, while I was helping out in my Aunt’s food stall, it suddenly dawned upon me that being a person I was then, I wouldn’t be worthy of her love. From then on, I changed drastically and controlled my temper; I had become a better person. She did nothing to try to change me. I was inspired to change.

When we truly love another, we accept the person the way he/she is and we do not try to change the person. The change will come naturally.

The reality in life is the prince and the princess do argue like any couple but they also get on very well and know it would be silly to fall out over silly things. Their priority for marriage is the same - making it works.

Amy Bloom said, “Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together…” Like dancing, we need to understand that our partners are individuals with point of views which may differ from ours; a dance step or movement which feels good to us may not feel good to them. Many time we could be affecting our partners without realising it ourselves. Then we started blaming each other for making the “wrong” movements. We need to communicate clearly to each other to make the ‘dancing’ relationship in marriage works.

And marriage is definitely not the ‘end’ of a relationship. It is a lifelong commitment in the other person and the start of a lifelong courtship. There should always be new excitements; plan for little surprises which you know will bring smiles to your partner. Find time to appreciate each other’s presence and to spend time with each other, even when you have children. Continue to go out on dinner or movie dates. No, not with the children, but just the two of you. Find a babysitter or nanny if you have to. Just go on dates as a couple.

And like what Benjamin Franklin said, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.” We have to understand that no one is perfect in this world and we must learn to see the perfection in the imperfection of our partners.

Last but not least, I believe that we should also encourage each other to grow individually and to learn new things in life. I have always believe that even when a couple is married, the husband and wife should continue to have their own circle of friends who they can hang out with from time to time. Each should take time to take care of children and things at home and encourage his/her partner to go out with friends and to pick up new things. I believe by doing this, it will encourage personal growth. As in the poem ‘Marriage‘ by Kahlil Gibran, a united soul in two bodies.

What was the reaction of the father when he got to the hospital and saw the dead child? Don’t let the cat out of the bag if you have read this before. For those who had not read this before, did you think that the father would fly into a rage and would reprimand his wife for not capping the bottle? Were you blaming the wife as well? But shouldn’t the husband just take time to put the bottle away? So who was to be blamed actually?

The father wasn’t angry at his wife at all. He looked at his wife and uttered just four words. What do you think were the four words?

The husband just said, “I love you, darling.”

The wisdom he displayed was truly an inspiration. The child was already dead and no way he could be brought back to life. What good would it do him to be angry with his wife? He responded by taking responsibility for his action; not taking time to put the bottle away.

He understood that his wife had lost her only child too. What she needed most was consolation and sympathy from him. That is what he gave her.

From the first time I read this story, I have been using it to remind myself to have the wisdom like the man. I must be less haste to find fault and to always take a more proactive perspective. I am not always successful yet. But practice makes better.

Blaming others for the mistakes seemed to be the natural thing to do whenever something bad happened. As the saying goes, “it is always easier to find fault with others than with ourselves.” Dr. Robert Anthony said, “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Let us take ownership and be in control.