The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

“What is that?” is a short film directed by Constantin Pilavios about a conversation, between a father and his son, when sparrow landed in front of them.

There was an email, with a very similar story, which I received back in 2006. Whichever came first, I do not know. But I hope, through the conversation of the father and his son, we could all be brought back to the time when we were young. Did our parents not shower us with tender love and patience?

This short film reminded me of the many conservations between my inquisitive four years old niece and my mother. Whenever she was watching TV programs with my mother, she would always ask her grandmother what was going on in the show. When my mother answered her question, she would pause to think for a moment and continue to ask another question.

This process of question and answer would just go on and on; the little one never seemed to run out of questions. However, no matter how many questions the little one asked, my mother would always answer in a gentle, patient and loving manner.

I was also reminded of the few conversations one of my aunts had with my grandmother. My grandmother is going to ninety-five soon and she tends to forget about certain things. Like the father in the short film, she would ask the same question repetitively or repeat the same words again and again. But my aunt would always answer her gently and lovingly with a smile.

What similarity can you see between my niece and my grandmother? One is four years old and another at ninety-five years old. Now, if we think about it, my grandmother was once young like my niece and probably with an inquisitive mind. My niece will one day be old like my grandmother and may tend to get forgetful too.

The young will not be with us forever as they move out of the house one day to start their own lives. The best memories are the attention, love and acceptance we can give to them now; these will positively influence them to act the same way toward their children.

The old too will not be with us forever as they will pass on one day. Let them leave with loving thoughts, much as the love and care which they showered upon us when we were young.

If you have kids of your own or have spent time with kids, then I’m sure you can recall how they have always tried to imitate you; whether it is the thing you are saying or things you are doing. Most of the time we would find their imitations funny and adorable to us.

What if they imitate our violent acts or our rude cursing and swearing at each other? That wouldn’t be very funny and adorable right?

If we ever hope to build a world where people love and care for each other, where people show loving kindness, compassion and respect toward each other, then we have to do it from young. We have to inculcate in the young to love and care for each other, to show loving kindness, compassion and respect toward each other. But how can we hope to influence them with such positive values if we act otherwise?

In other words, we must start first with ourselves.

“Don’t be angry with children, you’ve come along the same way. Don’t laugh at old people; you’d go to the same way.” - Japanese proverb shared by Nyanko from Rain Cats And Dogs.

A tribute to all mothers and fathers in the world. The write up below was translated directly from a Chinese poster I saw, pinned up, on one of the doors at my sister’s house. A gentle reminder that we were once ‘old’ when we were young. Does this make sense to you?

A Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers in the world!

When I am Old

When I am old and not my original self,
Please be understanding and be patient with me.

When I spill the soup on my own clothes,
And forget how to tie my shoelaces,
Please think about how I had taught you, step by step, to tie your shoelaces.

When you are tired of the words, which I am repeating,
Please listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.
When you were young, I had to repeat the same story again and again until you fell asleep.

When I need you to shower me,
Please don’t blame me.
Do you remember how I had to coax you to take your shower?

When I am helpless with new technology and things,
Please don’t make fun of me.
Think about how I patiently answered every ‘Why’ you had.

When both my legs are too tired to walk,
Please stretch out your strong hand to support me.
Just as I stretched out my hand to you, when you were learning to walk.

When the topic of our conversation slip my mind,
Please give me a little time to recall.
Actually, whatever the topic of our conversation is of no importance.
I will be contented, as long as you are listening to me by my side.

When my time has come, please don’t be sad.
Understand me, support me,
Just as how I treated you, when you were starting to learn about living.