The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

It is very important to know what love and concern mean for your loved ones too. They may be seeing things from a different perspective as you. I remember reading a story before of a young boy and his father.

“They were planting some seeds and upon seeing the worried face on his son, the father told his son not to worry as by spring, the seed would grow to knee height. Upon hearing that, the son asked, “Dad, your knee or mine?” A simple story and yet very enlightening. A lot of time, misunderstandings could be easily prevented if we could see things from the other person’s perspective.”

In the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman, it asked, “How do you show someone that you care?” Do you show it the way that you want others to show their cares to you? As the saying goes, “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.” In so to speak, it seems ‘right’ that one should show care to others the way one want others to show care to one. Not exactly ‘right’ literally in this case.

I would not say it is a clear ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way. When one is talking about Human, one can never see what another see without putting oneself in other’s shoes. There is much wisdom in this. The truth is that people define the same experiences in different ways and they define different experiences in the same way. Have I managed to cause confusion in you?

Let us read a passage from the book Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman:

Justin and Casey were good friends with a little problem in problem solving. If either of them was upset, the other would consistently make it worse. Yet how was this possible? They were both trying to help! To understand why it wasn’t working for either of them, consider their two ways of defining how friends “should” treat upset friends. When Justin is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” become interested and ask a lot of questions. When Casey is upset, he thinks that a good friend “should” leave him alone to work it out. What happens when they do unto one another? Casey leaves Justin alone and Justin feels abandoned. Justin pesters Casey with questions and Casey feels annoyed.

Nobody gets what he or she wants and everybody gets more upset. Yet their problem could be easily solved if only they knew each other’s complex of equivalents for friendship when either is upset. Then Casey would know to ask Justin questions and Justin would know to leave Casey alone.

An overlooked in each other different in definition of friendship when either is upset led to misunderstandings. Realization is instant; one needs to be able to show care in a way that another person can understand. This same rule can be applied to other aspects of one’s life. Communication is important and even more important is seeing things from a different perspective; from the other’s point of view.

Have you ever been in similar situation where you thought the other person didn’t care but then it was only because he/she shown it in a different way? And how did you manage to work things out?

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I particularly like the author’s idea of restating what we heard as this not only shows that we are listening, but also reduces any chances of misunderstanding. Most people have the tendency to jump to conclusion or are ever ready to judge what they heard. Thus by restating what they hear, they create a chance to set what they hear in the same direction as the speaker. This makes communication more effective. So the next time when you are ready to speak, probably you want to pause for a few seconds to make sure you get the same meaning as what the speaker wanted to convey.

Communication problems are probably the greatest barriers to happy and healthy relationships. Somewhere in the exchange of thoughts and information something goes wrong. Words come out one way and are meant another. What was said is not interpreted in the way it was intended. Some thoughts should have remained silent. Some thoughts should have been expressed. You expect to be heard and understood, but somehow you aren’t and you wonder what went wrong. Communication problems can leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. And sometimes you might want to scream, “Didn’t you hear me? Why don’t you understand?”

If communicating only involved talking it might seem easy enough. But it isn’t that simple. A major and essential part of communicating involves listening. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. When we speak we want to know we have someone’s undivided attention and proper respect. We want to be accepted and not judged for what we have said or how we have said it. We simply want to be heard—not just our words, but our heart as well. And we want others to respond to us like they really listened.

Listening to understand and empathize requires work and effort. A good way to demonstrate that we are listening is to restate what we believe we heard the speaker communicate. This allows the speaker to verify that our interpretation is accurate. If it’s not, the speaker has the opportunity to communicate the message again until we get it and clarify any possible misunderstandings. For example, “When I said I didn’t like your idea, I didn’t mean I thought it wouldn’t work…” or “When I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment, I meant I need more time…”

Listening also includes the ability to accurately restate what we perceive is the feeling associated with the message. We feel safe to share our feelings and needs with those who are accepting, validating, and care enough to listen to us. When we develop our ability to listen and communicate our understanding of what we have heard, we open the door to greater intimacy. We can become better listeners by first breaking down some common barriers to listening. We can listen five times faster than we can speak. That allows us quite a bit of extra time. Unfortunately, that time is often spent on something other than the person speaking to us and on what they are saying. Instead, we might be preoccupied with what we want to say to them. This creates a barrier that keeps us from listening attentively and empathically. We can’t hear what someone is telling us when a barrier is in the way.

There are all sorts of barriers to good listening. For example, it can be difficult to listen when we are distracted or preoccupied. Our attention isn’t focused on the speaker because other things vie for our attention. So we might hear the speaker some of the time, but miss out on much of what they are trying to communicate. It can be difficult to listen attentively when we are tired or not feeling very alert. It might simply be bad timing. Defensive or negative attitudes can also block us from listening. Inner conflicts might keep us from devoting the necessary attention to actively listen. We might have preconceived notions about what the speaker is talking about. So instead of hearing their thoughts and feelings, we have already formulated our own opinions and attitudes. And we may become preoccupied with our own ideas rather than hear them out.

Breaking down barriers to active listening is a challenge that will never cease to exist. And that is why listening requires work and effort. It takes practice to put aside your own agenda and tune out distractions. And with practice it becomes easier. You will find that being a good listener opens up the channels to better communication. As you listen to understand, you will not only hear others’ words you will also hear their heart. Listen closely and what you hear may surprise you. There is so much you do not have to miss out on if you will only listen.

About the author: Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher, and musician. She is the cofounder of www.NewDayCounseling.org and www.BeHappyforLife.net where you can find hundreds of free resources, online workshops, video presentations, insights, and inspiration to empower people to develop a lifestyle of happiness and love.

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“Can you still do something to save your dying marriage?”

The fact is, there are lots of ways to save a dying marriage and prevent divorce. And if the couple wills it, they can successfully bring back the excitement that is last felt long time ago.

Marital retreat

Married life can be stressful. The work, children, financial obligations, and the overwhelming tasks of living contribute to the slow death of marriage. And in this modern time where it is hard to stay way from stress, the marriage will more likely to fail simply because it never occurred into the couples’ mind that all they need to do is to rest.

Slowing down and taking the time to rest and to forget all the things that keep the couples away from each other could mean bringing back the lost excitement that the couples once have. Spending quality time with each other together with other couples in a marital retreat can work on saving the marriage before it even gets to your mind.

Admitting the mistakes of couples and forgiving each other for any sin they have committed and pain they have caused to one another could save marriage.

Improving the things that has caused cheating to happen is an effective way to keep the family in tacked.

Seeking professional advices and couples therapy is a great way to heal any wound caused by infidelity.

Improving communication

There will come a time when marriage is going nowhere but down. One of the reasons for this is the lack of communication from both parties. This could be because of the limited time they spend together mainly because of career. While making money is important, taking care of the family is priceless. Communication keeps couples emotionally connected. And spending quality time together provides a good venue to keep the lines open.

Marriage counseling is often seen as the last resort in the attempt to save marriage. This is very unfortunate since marriage counselors can be more effective if the couple has seek help when the problem is just beginning to arise. What is more unfortunate is that the notion that once the couples decide to go to marital counseling sessions they have already given up since there are already tremendous emotional buildup inside marriage and there is nowhere to go but to separate. 

Marital counseling should be taken as one of the more effective ways to save marriage and not just as a final nail on the coffin of marriage.