The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

If we accept the fact that each of us is unique and special in our own way, then why do some of us attempt to change our loved ones?

When we first fall in love with a person, we were attracted by some lovable traits of the other person. We felt a strong connection with the other person and almost as one with.

And yet over time some of us will start to detest these lovable traits which attracted us in the first place. That is when some of us will start to question and compare the person with another; why can’t he/she be more considerate like this person or why can’t he/she be more romantic like that person? Some of us will start to expect more from the person; why can’t he/she pays more attention to me?

Have we changed? Or has the person changed? Perhaps the person really does change over time. However, most probably the person each of us love is still the same person; we are just trying to change them to who we want them to be.

The Kay Way mentioned in her article You Can’t Change Men – Young Women Listen Up, “…before you decide to marry the man you want to change, take stock and find out if he is really the right one for you to avoid great heartache in the future for you both.” Although she wrote that article about women, I think even men make the mistake of trying to change the women they are in love with over time.

Thus instead of trying to change the other person, perhaps we need to think if we can really accept the person the way he/she is; we must not have the delusion that we will be able to change the person we are in love with.

Do we then just accept each person we loved unconditionally? Not exactly; If the person is abusive or toxic, it doesn’t make sense to accept the person just the way he/she is.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.” - Paulo Coelho. I believe that when we truly love another, we will be inspired to change ourselves to be a better person.

When I was in my junior college, I was in love with a school mate. I was also a bad tempered guy who was easily agitated. Then one day, while I was helping out in my Aunt’s food stall, it suddenly dawned upon me that being a person I was then, I wouldn’t be worthy of her love. From then on, I changed drastically and controlled my temper; I had become a better person. She did nothing to try to change me. I was inspired to change.

When we truly love another, we accept the person the way he/she is and we do not try to change the person. The change will come naturally.

When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.

And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned toast in front of my dad.

I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!

Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the toast. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Baby, I love burned toast.” 

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned.

He wrapped me in his arms and said,”Debbie, your momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!” 

In bed that night, I thought about that scene at dinner…and the kindness my daddy showed my mom.

To this day, it’s a cherished memory from my childhood that I’ll never forget.

And it’s one that came to mind just recently when Jack and I sat down to eat dinner. I had arrived home late…as usual…and decided we would have breakfast food for dinner. Some things never change, I suppose! To my amazement, I found the ingredients I needed, and quickly began to cook eggs, turkey sausage, and buttered toast.

Thinking I had things under control, I glanced through the mail for the day. It was only a few minutes later that I remembered that I had forgotten to take the toast out of the oven! Now, had it been any other day — and had we had more than two pieces of bread in the entire house — I would have started all over. But it had been one of those days and I had just used up the last two pieces of bread. So burnt toast it was!

As I set the plate down in front of Jack, I waited for a comment about the toast.

But all I got was a “Thank you!”

I watched as he ate bite by bite, all the time waiting for some comment about the toast. But instead, all Jack said was, “Babe, this is great. Thanks for cooking tonight. I know you had a hard day.” 

As I took a bite of my charred toast that night, I thought about my mom and dad…how burnt toast hadn’t been a deal-breaker for them. And I quietly thanked God for giving me a marriage where burnt toast wasn’t a deal-breaker either!

You know, life is full of imperfect things…and imperfect people. I’m not the best housekeeper or cook. And you might be surprised to find out that Jack isn’t the perfect husband! He likes to play his music too loud, he will always find a way to avoid yard work, and he watches far too many sports. Believe it or not, watching ” Golf Academy” is not my idea of a great night at home!

But somehow in the past 37 years Jack and I have learned to accept the imperfections in each other. Over time, we have stopped trying to make each other in our own mold and have learned to celebrate our differences.

You might say that we’ve learned to love each other for who we really are!

For example, I like to take my time, I’m a perfectionist, and I’m even-tempered. I tend to work too much and sleep too little. Jack, on the other hand, is disciplined, studious, an early riser, and is a marketer’s dream consumer. I count pennies and Jack could care less! Where he is strong, I am weak, and vice verse.

And while you might say that Jack and I are opposites, we’re also very much alike. I can look at him and tell you what he’s thinking. I can predict his actions before he finalizes his plans. On the other hand, he knows whether I’m troubled or not the moment I enter a room. We share the same goals. We love the same things. And we are still best friends. We’ve traveled through many valleys and enjoyed many mountaintops. And yet, at the same time, Jack and I must work every minute of every day to make this thing called “marriage” work!

What I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults - and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences - is the one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting marriage relationship.

1. Not having sex

A sexless marriage is a common bad habit that too many married couples fall into. But the importance of sex cannot be minimized. Sex serves as one of the best ways to develop and maintain intimacy, but when you go without sex for so long you get so used to it that your mind begins to not want it anymore.

Many issues can contribute to a sexless marriage, like pregnancy, stress, fatigue or resentment. But here’s how to save your marriage from this bad habit: have sex! Even if you don’t feel like it, do it. Don’t turn down your partner unless there’s a very good reason. Luckily, once you just do it, you’ll probably actually enjoy yourself.

2. Spending too much time with the in-laws

Another common bad habit married couples fall into is in-law interference with marriage. Many couples will tell you that in-law issues can quickly become a source of frustration and resentment in the marriage. The interference is caused by spending too much time with the in-laws (especially at your own home), providing private information about your marriage or spouse to them, or siding with them over your spouse.

While a spouse can be rightfully close to his or her family, the disloyalty will do nothing to save your marriage. First and foremost, your loyalty lies with your marriage, and just because it’s family doesn’t mean it’s OK to gossip or betray your spouse.

3. Not consulting your partner about purchases

Many married couples will tell you that the issue of money is the most contentious of marital problems. Sometimes it’s the intentional refusal to disclose where money is being spent, and sometimes it’s just a bad habit of not being on the same page with monetary purchases or goals.

The fact remains that marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word, and developing a bad money habit will not only cause anger and resentment, but it can also compromise your financial security. This is one habit not worth picking up.

4. Forgetting the smaller gestures

Even the small ones matter when you’re breaking bad habits. Small gestures include kissing your husband or wife when they walk through the door, asking if there’s anything you can get them while you’re up, or offering to do a chore you know your partner hates doing.

Married couples tend to think that because they’ve been together for so long, these thoughtful gestures can be forgone. But it’s these smaller gestures which keep the intimacy alive and keeps you both feeling emotionally connected.

5. Picking up bad habits from your partner

Here is a bad habit within a bad habit. Maybe you’ve started drinking as much as your husband as an excuse to spend more time together, or maybe your wife started letting herself go, and as a result, you don’t frequent the gym or health food aisle as much anymore. Married couples undoubtedly pick up on each other’s bad habits because of the natural close proximity of the relationship. One partner may also pick up on the other’s bad habits as an excuse or as a way to get back at the other (if you can’t beat em, join em). Develop good habits together and practice them as a team.

It’s easier for you to save your marriage from bad habits by nipping them in the bud as soon they develop. But if your bad habits have been around for years, it’s still worth your while to overcome them for the sake of a happy marriage.