Attitude, Harmony, How to improve relationship with spouse, Ideas and Tips to improve you relationship, Love, Marriage, Reflection, Sex

5 Things that Ruin Your Marriage

bk
March 14, 2007

An email which I received by Dr. Aramunde which I would like to share with you. Pretty good information on maintaining a healthy marriage relationship.

1. Not having sex

A sexless marriage is a common bad habit that too many married couples fall into. But the importance of sex cannot be minimized. Sex serves as one of the best ways to develop and maintain intimacy, but when you go without sex for so long you get so used to it that your mind begins to not want it anymore.

Many issues can contribute to a sexless marriage, like pregnancy, stress, fatigue or resentment. But here’s how to save your marriage from this bad habit: have sex! Even if you don’t feel like it, do it. Don’t turn down your partner unless there’s a very good reason. Luckily, once you just do it, you’ll probably actually enjoy yourself.

2. Spending too much time with the in-laws

Another common bad habit married couples fall into is in-law interference with marriage. Many couples will tell you that in-law issues can quickly become a source of frustration and resentment in the marriage. The interference is caused by spending too much time with the in-laws (especially at your own home), providing private information about your marriage or spouse to them, or siding with them over your spouse.

While a spouse can be rightfully close to his or her family, the disloyalty will do nothing to save your marriage. First and foremost, your loyalty lies with your marriage, and just because it’s family doesn’t mean it’s OK to gossip or betray your spouse.

3. Not consulting your partner about purchases

Many married couples will tell you that the issue of money is the most contentious of marital problems. Sometimes it’s the intentional refusal to disclose where money is being spent, and sometimes it’s just a bad habit of not being on the same page with monetary purchases or goals.

The fact remains that marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word, and developing a bad money habit will not only cause anger and resentment, but it can also compromise your financial security. This is one habit not worth picking up.

4. Forgetting the smaller gestures

Even the small ones matter when you’re breaking bad habits. Small gestures include kissing your husband or wife when they walk through the door, asking if there’s anything you can get them while you’re up, or offering to do a chore you know your partner hates doing.

Married couples tend to think that because they’ve been together for so long, these thoughtful gestures can be forgone. But it’s these smaller gestures which keep the intimacy alive and keeps you both feeling emotionally connected.

5. Picking up bad habits from your partner

Here is a bad habit within a bad habit. Maybe you’ve started drinking as much as your husband as an excuse to spend more time together, or maybe your wife started letting herself go, and as a result, you don’t frequent the gym or health food aisle as much anymore. Married couples undoubtedly pick up on each other’s bad habits because of the natural close proximity of the relationship. One partner may also pick up on the other’s bad habits as an excuse or as a way to get back at the other (if you can’t beat em, join em). Develop good habits together and practice them as a team.

It’s easier for you to save your marriage from bad habits by nipping them in the bud as soon they develop. But if your bad habits have been around for years, it’s still worth your while to overcome them for the sake of a happy marriage.

Now that you can better see how these bad habits may be creating a void within your marriage, you’ll be more motivated to solve these marital problems quickly and get back to that blissful union you started out with.

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Attitude, Life, Relationship, Romantic Tips

Love Without Stress? Yes!

bk
February 10, 2007

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner now and I believe that many of you will be busy preparing for this special day. Do you have the feeling too that Valentine’s Day is becoming more and more commercialize? I tend to agree more with some people who said that everyday should be Valentine’s Day and you should give special attention to the people you love everyday and not only on this day. I couldn’t have agreed more with what the author mentioned about setting aside time for each other and giving gift when there’s no reason.

The author has a good perspective that marriage is not a competition and marriage should be viewed as sharing — not hoarding. Marriage is about ‘teamwork’; working together and achieving common goals. 

February is Valentine’s month, a time when popular culture compels you willy-nilly to focus more on your relationship, which may not be cruising along as smoothly as it once was. Indeed, it may even be a nagging source of tension for both of you. Here are several strategies, excerpted from my new book “400 Ways to Stop Stress Now…and Forever!” which can help you ease the chill and restore a little vitality and glow to your love life.

Put affection back into your relationship.

A small amount of affection can melt days, months, even years of tension, distance and discord between you and your partner. Take the initiative, swallow your pride and rekindle the affection you once thrived on. A reassuring hand on the shoulder, a simple kiss, a gentle hug are good places to start. Keep at it, even if it’s not immediately returned or acknowledged. In time a thaw will take hold, and warmth and intimacy likely ensue. A daily dose of affection can often soothe what words can’t.

Don’t let your marriage become a lifelong feud.

Marriage isn’t a competition to see whose ways and viewpoints ultimately win out. If you take that attitude — always trying to prove you’re right and the other is wrong — expect a life of tension and discord. Instead, welcome your partner’s input and perspective, work together to achieve goals, and know when it’s more important to back off than get your way. (How would you like to lose all the time?) View marriage as sharing — not hoarding — and your days are sure to be happier and more stress-free.

Give a gift when there’s no reason to.

Yes, it’s fun to give gifts on birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. But isn’t it more or less required, or at least expected? And aren’t we celebrating the event more than the person? Give a gift to someone when it’s NOT expected. See how really good it will make the both of you feel. The best part is, gifts of this nature can be small and inexpensive and still have a wonderful effect. Because it’s a genuine expression of friendship, love or appreciation. And it shifts the focus back to who — rather than what — is important in life. So stop off occasionally and pick up a surprise gift.

Set aside time for each other.

Are you too busy to be a husband? Wife? Lover? Relationships often get shortchanged in the hubbub of daily life. In fact, they’re usually first to get tossed aside, often to make room for the most insignificant things. That’s taking each other too much for granted. You risk letting your intimacy fade and your relationship wither. Keep both well nourished. Set aside a chunk of time each week to spend together, just the two of you. Make it inviolable, mandatory, and go out and have a good time. Strong relationships stay strong by building in essential time for each other. Why shortchange yourself?

Have more fun in bed.

So advised a popular mattress ad. And they had a point. You don’t need a study (like the one mentioned below) to tell you that a healthy sex life can reduce stress. As much as a lack of sex can aggravate it. But today, with our busy schedules and relentless ambitions, sex for many couples has become little more than an afterthought. Sometimes overlooked entirely. This is obviously unhealthy for the relationship. Which adds to even greater stress. Now, the study. According to the Royal Hospital in Edinburgh, a healthy sex life can make you look up to seven years younger, lead to greater contentment and help you sleep better. Why argue? Light the candle, draw the shades and… Why make yourself crazy?

About the Author: G. Gaynor McTigue is a bestselling author, stress coach and motivational speaker whose sixth book “400 Ways to Stop Stress Now…and Forever!” has just been published. To learn more call 203-254-7789, email [email protected] or visit: www.pickmeupbooks.com

Attitude, Dealing with Procrastination, Determination, Goal Setting, Life, The Daffodil Principle

The Daffodil Principle

bk
January 30, 2007

An interesting story I received today in my email. Most people are amazed by the accomplishment of successful people and some would say that these people are so lucky and they must be very smart and talented people. Yet more often than not, these successful people are but just ordinary people like you and I. They just believe in having the big picture and taking one step at a time in moving towards that big picture. When most people are resting, they are preparing and ploughing in the field.

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, “Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over”

I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. “I will come next Tuesday”, I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn’s house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

“Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog,and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!”

My daughter smiled calmly and said, “We drive in this all the time, Mother.”

“Well, you won’t get me back on the road until it clears, and then I’m heading for home!” I assured her.

“But first we’re going to see the daffodils. It’s just a few blocks,” Carolyn said. “I’ll drive. I’m used to this.”

“Carolyn,” I said sternly, “Please turn around.”

“It’s all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.”

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, “Daffodil Garden.” We got out of the car, each took a child’s hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

“Who did this?” I asked Carolyn. “Just one woman,” Carolyn answered. “She lives on the property. That’s her home.” Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. “Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking”, was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. “50,000 bulbs,” it read. The second answer was, “One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.” The third answer was, “Began in 1958.”

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time–often just one baby-step at time–and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world .

“It makes me sad in a way,” I admitted to Carolyn. “What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it ‘one bulb at a time’ through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!”

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. “Start tomorrow,” she said.

She was right. It’s so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, “How can I put this to use today?”

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting…..

Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die…

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don’t need money. Love like you’ve never been hurt, and, Dance like no one’s watching.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Attitude, Life, Relationship

A Gift of Love

bk
January 26, 2007

This was shared by one of the subscribers of Symphony of Love’s mailing list which I thought is pretty meaningful and nice. Very often, most people will be like the case of the father. Remember the little boy and the nails? We have to constantly remind ourselves of the ‘scars’ left by the nails.

Once upon a time, there was a man who scolded his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper, by using it to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Money was tight, but he relented when the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy. Merry Christmas.”

The father was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, “Don’t you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there’s supposed to be something inside the package?”

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it’s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full.”

The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An unfortunate accident took the life of the child a few weeks later. The story goes that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems, he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family and ! friends. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Attitude, Life, Relationship

What’s Love Got To Do With It? By Bettye Jamerson

bk
January 23, 2007

A good article. Just as Mahatma Gandhi said, “Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” When the heart is feel with Love, the perspective of the whole world change. I totally agree with what the author said, “… as a human race, we can benefit greatly from choosing to extend love to our fellow man and not just to our immediate family and inner circle of friends and acquaintances.” This is the one reason why we created “What is Love?” movie, to advocate Love and Tolerance in the world.

While society is so obsessed with the whole notion of self improvement and discovering the fountain of youth through everything from expensive lotions and creams to diet pills (fondly referred to as diet supplements) and potions, not to mention the ever boring age old phenomenon called exercise, we have failed to incorporate one very important concept. We have failed to incorporate what I think is the most important concept of all and that is to live our lives through the choice of love, loving life and loving others. How does love fit in here?

Love is the most powerful force in the universe and as a human race, we can benefit greatly from choosing to extend love to our fellow man and not just to our immediate family and inner circle of friends and acquaintances. So what does love have to do with self improvement and remaining youthful?

For starters, it has been my experience that people who choose to live their life extending charity to others, (charity is another word for love) have a much healthier and happier disposition than those who choose a pessimistic way of life. And a healthier, happier disposition leads to a better quality of life.

In my own life, I noticed that my outlook on life drastically changed. I began to concentrate on solutions rather than problems, options rather than situations and progression rather than stagnation. Somehow life became easier to live, not to mention healthier also. By that I mean, I no longer focused on the negative but the positive and that positive energy began to draw people and things in my life that possessed that same positive ness about life and life’s challenges. You become more accepting of others that look, think and act differently than you.

Because love is the most powerful force in the universe, it can remove barriers in our lives that no other force can come close to removing. Love has no race barrier, no religious barrier, no sex barrier, no language barrier and no educational barrier. Love has a sound and familiarity that every heart always hears and it is easily recognized and accepted. Love will cover a multitude of wrongs in your life.

Now there are different relationships that demonstrate love, but the same unconditional love exists in them all or should exist in them all. We have platonic relationships, family relationships, business and personal relationships and last but not least, marriage relationships. Regardless of the relationship, love should be the foundational driving force in them all. I have found that relationships based on unconditional love require considerably less effort to maintain. There is this genuine acceptance of others that makes the relationship work. This acceptance comes with respect, consideration, trust, encouragement, a non-judgmental attitude, forgiveness and a desire to always help and never tear down. This is where the “unconditional” love is clearly demonstrated. Is she really for real—one might ask? Indeed I am. It comes down to simply choosing to live our lives through the choice of “love—unconditional love”.

I believe in the power of the spoken word and as a result of my choosing to live my life through love, it made such a tremendous difference in my own life that I daily recited what I call my love confession. Over the course of one (1) month, this confession transformed my life from the inside out and as I share it with you, I challenge you to try it and see if it makes a difference in your life also. Enjoy.

“I endure long and I am patient and kind; I am never envious nor do I boil over with jealousy; I am not boastful or vain glorious and I do not display myself overbearingly; I am not conceited, arrogant or inflated with pride; I am not rude and I do not act unbecomingly, The love of God in me does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for I am not self-seeking; I am not touchy, fretful or resentful; I take no account of the evil done to me and I pay no attention to a suffered wrong. I do not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but I rejoice when right and truth prevail. I bear up under anything and everything that comes, and I am ever ready to believe the best of every person. My hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and I endure everything without weakening. I never fail because LOVE never fails.”

About the Author: Bettye J. Jamerson is a published author and inspirational/motivational speaker. Bettye is the President and Executive Director of Change-A-Life Foundation. Love: The Greatest Choice of All is her second book. Visit her at http://www.changealifefoundation.com and http://www.avirtuouswomantour.com.

Attitude, Relationship

Anger Management: How To Stay Calm Instead Of Losing Your Cool

bk
January 22, 2007

A good article on understanding your anger and making a proactive plan to choose the kind of behaviors that improve your relationships with people.

Have you ever found yourself angry with people you care about and didn’t seem able to stop yourself? Do people who love you tell you that you have anger management issues? Have you lost some important relationships or created problems for yourself at work because you couldn’t seem to control your angry behavior?

If this describes you, then you need to regain control and stop yourself from hurting others. The first thing to do is to recognize that you are choosing your anger. What? Choosing my anger? Why in the world would I do that? Well, there are several reasons people may choose anger. Let’s see which one best describes you.

Some people use anger to intimidate others and subsequently get what they want. In this way, the angry person is able to control the behavior of others.

Some people use their anger as a way of getting attention. If a person needs attention, it doesn’t always matter whether that attention is positive or negative, as long as someone is noticing him or her.

Anger can also be used as a tactic to avoid responsibility. If a person doesn’t want to do something, anger can be a valid way to get out of it.

Similar to wanting attention, sometimes people are feeling small and insignificant and anger works to pump themselves up or provide courage to do something scary.

And others use it as an emotional release, much the same way a pressure cooker lets off steam. Anger has energy. When someone is experiencing things that are frustrating, he or she may not be dealing with his or her anger. Instead of processing it, cognitively restructuring some belief systems or working out the energy physically, anger can provide a much needed release valve.

Do you recognize yourself in any of those scenarios? When you lose your temper, which one of these reasons best identifies what you are trying to accomplish? Perhaps you have yet another reason. One thing I know for sure is that you always behave in your best attempt to get something you want. Your behavior is never random and it never “just happens” to you.

It’s a very subtle difference but an important one nonetheless. All behavior is proactive. You do not choose a behavior because of something that occurred outside of you. For example, I can remember asking my youngest son to clean his room. He said he would do it later—only later never came. So, I patiently asked him a second time. Again, he said he’d do it later. This went on for most of the day. Finally, in exasperation, I lost my temper with him and yelled at him about cleaning his room.

The question is why did I get angry? Most people would say I got angry because my son wouldn’t do what I asked. However, the real reason is that I used my anger as my best attempt to get my son to clean his room. (Just for the record, it didn’t work very well.)

Why am I making this seemingly insignificant distinction? Because once you become conscious of the reasons you are choosing your behavior, then you can consciously choose to do something more responsible and more effective.

More responsible means you are getting your needs met without interfering with other people meeting theirs. Effective means it actually works to get you what you really want.

When you use anger, it is not responsible because anger almost always interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. You definitely have not only the right, but also the responsibility to get your needs met but not at the expense of someone else.

Underlying most reasons for choosing anger, you are probably attempting to improve an important relationship in your life. Anger will never work to do that. You may get the initial satisfaction of getting the other person to do your bidding, but you have damaged something in the relationship.

You must make a proactive plan about what you are going to do instead of using anger. It should be something that has at least an equal chance of getting you what you want while supporting others in their process of getting their own needs met.

About the Author: Kim Olver is an expert in relationships, parenting and personal empowerment, working with individuals who want to gain more effective control of their lives and relationships. Check out her best selling Anger Management Tip Sheet at http://www.therelationshipcenter.biz/angermgmtSL.htm

Death, Letting go, Life, Love, Love Stories, Moving on, Relationship

Getting over someone … Doesn’t mean forgetting that person

bk
January 15, 2007

A story which I received in my email a few years back. Something very true from the story, “Getting over someone … doesn’t mean forgetting that person.” And it is very important to know that we must go on with our life in order not to disappoint them. We must also understand that it is not how we honored them after they were gone but rather how we treated them when they are with us. Never hesitate to show your care and concern to people that you love and to people around you. There might not always be a tomorrow to act.

I never thought I could ever get over the death of Julia. She is everything in my life, and she is even more important than myself. The time she spent in the hospital was the most painful moment in our life. I knew that she feels a great deal of pain incurred by the cancerous cells in her body, but she never once shown the pain in front of me; this, I have always believed that she was trying to prevent me from seeing her suffers so that I will not feel sad.

For me, every time I got to see her, I was worried that that might be the very last time I would be seeing her; so I treasure every moment I spent with her. Every time when I visited her in the hospital, I would hold her hand and then we would just chat and act like everything was normal.

Many would have thought that we are running away from reality. We never were. We just love each other so deeply so that we did not want to see the other party being sad. It would be very difficult for me to describe how we felt, you have to feel it yourself to know exactly what I mean by that.

The day I lost her to cancer … it still lives so vividly in my mind; I could never forget the way she struggled to breath the last breathe. The pain must be killing her. It really hurts me to see her suffered. How I wished I could bear part, if not all her pain she had to undergo. But the only thing I could do was to watch her losing her battle to death. I held on to her hand as usual until she left … without me.

The very next moment she was gone, I just didn’t know what to do with myself … didn’t know just what to do. I was so used to doing everything with her and making plan for two. Suddenly, I felt lost. There was no light to guide me. She was not only a guide but had been my closest soul companion. The first thing that came to my mind then was to leave this place with her; I can’t bear to let her go on this journey alone or should I say I can’t leave without her. And so, I tried to follow her. But I am glad that I live till today. She would never have agreed to the idea of me going with her; she would have wanted me to carry on with my life.

I am grateful to John for discovering my act of foolishness. He sent me to a psychiatrist shortly after that incident, saying that I needed professional help. I didn’t want to argue with him then, and so I just go for the therapy.

The therapy didn’t help a bit. I could not live a normal life. I could not get Julia out of my mind. Everything I do, her images would be there. Somehow, subconsciously, she seems pretty much alive to me. I could see her making breakfast every alternate morning and when it was my turn to make breakfast, I would always make an extra set for her. I could also see her cutting the grasses and tending to our garden of roses besides me every weekend.

And she would still sit by my side to watch sunset with me every evening. All this I never tell anyone; all they would say would be,” she is dead already and you are probably having illusions.” Maybe the main reason why I never tell anyone is that I can’t accept the fact that they’re right, she’s dead.

All these things carry on for two to three years. During that period, I even played the game we invented together called ‘Connection’. Whenever anyone of us wants to talk, the party whom initiated would say: “connect?” then the other party will say: “connected’. Every time, I would imagine her saying “connected” and I would start to tell her all the things I had done and how much I had missed her.

It went on for two to three years until … I not quite sure what actually hits me, but one night, she appeared in my dreams and we talked about lots of things, and I can’t wait to tell her all the things I did. Suddenly, she held on to my hand, looked me in my eyes and with tears in her eyes, she said,” Ben, please wake up, I’m dead already. It hurts me, more than you know, knowing that you are wasting your time. Please, for my sake, wake up.” I woke up crying in my bed that morning, realizing how foolish I actually am. And I started to live my life once again.

I realized that it hurts a lot to see the one that we love so dearly passed away, and it’s never easy to get over someone whom had once shared our life. But getting over someone doesn’t mean forgetting that person. We place them close to us, here in our heart to always remember them. And whenever we think of them, we will just reach into our heart for the image of them. In so doing, they live forever. But the most important things would be for us to carry on with our life so as not to disappoint them.

As for the dreams …..