It has been a long time since my last post. I was 1. helping my friend with an academic coaching project and 2. being ‘babysitter’ for my sister’s whom went oversea for a short trip. Both were enjoying and yet challenging experience. I have been looking for teaching work to children in developing areas where most might not even have the money for school and so the coaching project fit in nicely. Through the project, I met and coached teenagers around the age of 16 who are preparing for one of their major examinations end of this year. Comparing to babysitting for my sister, coaching was easier as what most of these teenagers need are guidance in their studies. Babysitting on the other hand need almost my full attention especially when you are talking about a pair of 2 years old twin nephews; but it was great fun.
Alright, enough of my eventful days! The other day I was chatting with a friend on MSN and she was sharing with me something about her relationship; she was feeling a little confused and lost at this moment. There are basically three issues from what I gathered from her.
First, it is the challenge of language. Although both share some common languages, both can communicate, with limitations in the common languages only; My friend understands some Cantonese only and her boyfriend understands some of her Mandarin only. English is out too as it is not the main language that both use to communicate usually. This resulted in numerous arguments from usually small misunderstandings – the messages were not spoken as intended. What seems like a big issue could have been easily resolved by learning to be more proficient in their common languages.
I had a similar experience before with a girl. Both of us did not speak each other language. Our common language is English only. The challenge was in the different ways we speak English; Sometimes she might mean one thing but the way I received her message, it might mean another thing. I tried to work around the issue by learning her language and while doing that, I was careful in our communication to make sure that we received the true meanings of each other messages and not what we perceived the messages to be. Well, it might seem like a lot of trouble and effort. Isn’t that what relationship is about? I have always believe that we have to put in the effort and time to make relationships work; regardless of whether the relationship is between you and your partner, or between you and your family or friends or co-workers.
The second issue was distance. Long distance relationship is always a challenge to most people and most wouldn’t even want to start one to begin with. There is a need to put in time and effort even when both of you are physically in the same location. The time spends in the long distance relationship should be about the same but the effort should be magnified many times. In additional to the time and effort, there needs to be a greater amount of trust.
The third issue, which is also what I deem to be very important is complex of equivalents. Big term right? Hehe. That was what I read from a book, Life by Design by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman. What happened was that when my friend was unhappy, her boyfriend did not show any care and concern but just left her alone. Some of us would have stood up and said, “how can he do that?” And some would have said he did the right thing. So what is right and what is wrong? The truth is, both are right in their ways in handling the ‘unhappy incidence.’
The point is that both see things differently or rather carry out different action on the ‘unhappy incidence.’ From my friend’s point of view, when she is unhappy, she expects her boyfriend to show care and concern and to ask her questions. However, to her boyfriend, when he is unhappy, maybe he likes to be left alone to sort it out. That is why I said both are right in their ways in handling the ‘unhappy incidence.’ Have you been through similar situations where you had shown concern but thing got worse? This could probably be the reason why. The good thing is it can be easily resolved through communication and yet it can be challenging to some to try to sit down and put things across.
A lot of time, things can be so simple and easy to resolve through proper communication and understanding. And proper communication and understanding take time and effort. This is the same for any relationship. Through proper communication, one will be able to gain better understanding of another and through better understanding, one will become more tolerance of another – which eventually leads to an even more fulfilling and enjoyable relationship.
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“Make love Happen”
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I’ve been through all those phases like your friend did. Me and my fiance has gone through a lot to be where we are today..3 years and 3 months on. Now we are getting married and that shows things can work out.
First, Language. My fiance spoke little English too. And of course, it took a while for him to understand the delicacy of English language as compared to Slavic tongue. A slight emphasis on a wrong word in the sentence can spark off an argument. How to resolve this? Well.. if you really cherish the other person, you must be prepared to compromise. Don’t always think that one party has to do all the apologising. Come on.. a relationship takes two hands to clap!
Second, Long Distance (LDR). It’s the hardest of all. But hey, how we work things out.. Try to see each other’s country for a period of time. Then sit down and analyse what type of life you two want together. And select the country you wish to stay in. Yes, one party has to give in.
Third, difference in how both parties handle a dispute. Again, I encourage interaction. Sit down, talk it out.
From all these, I conclude that Communication is very very important. It can be harder with all the above factors thrown in. But hey, if you are expecting relationships to be like a bed of roses all the time, you are wrong. Love and cherish. 🙂
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@ Sher, well said! You are a living example of making relationship works. About the language part, it is not so much of compromising but rather more of understanding and patience with each other. It takes a little effort to verify the ‘true’ meaning of the words spoken but it create better understanding.
For the part on LDR, I agree with you totally on trying to see each other’s country for a period of time and sitting down to make plan. One party does have to sacrifice to live in the country of the other. I have a friend who faced the same problem before. The guy did not want to leave his country as his career and life is already stable while my friend was not willing to leave her country too. Thus in the end it did not work out for both of them.
Communication is definitely crucial in order to prevent misunderstanding. Even with communication, misunderstandings do occured too. It is important also to listen and clarify. Once one understand what the other party means and needs, there will be greater tolerance and less misunderstanding.
What a tender site you have…:-) Lucy
Lucy Lopezs last blog post..Prayer of Healing
Thanks for dropping by Lucy 🙂
Thanks for the visit.
Never worry if you do not have time to post. Blogging should be fun so do it when you want and under no pressure.
Jackies last blog post..Super Fruit – Avocado
Good to know about your eventful days, hope you could help me in my acamedics too. (LOL) I’ve been doing that too and also the baby sitting to my nephews and nieces before. It was fun cos while you’re with the kids you get to learn new things too.
Moving forward, to add thoughts on the “unhappy incidence” thing, just because her boyfriend did not show care and concern to her, would mean that he does not love her. Some people, choose to do that because seeing their loved ones in that state is even more painful to them, thus, his boyfriend may have chosen to be quiet or leave. Reason for this is that he did not want to know the details of how someone hurt her because it feels like she’s asking him to sit there and watch someone beat her. And so, this tells us that for a relationship to be fulfilling, it must also have enough amount of these elements: patience, respect and understanding.
@ Jackie, you are absolutely right; blogging should be fun.
@ Emelyn, being with kids are a lot of fun. They never seem to run out of energy. Good workout for me 😉
As for the incidence with my friend, it is not so much that the boyfriend does not love her anymore but rather he shown care and concern in a different way; not one that she has expected him to do.