I asked a friend today how he will be celebrating his Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend. He told me he asked his girlfriend whether she will like to have a candle light dinner. However, she said that she preferred to have dinner at food court. I guess when you are with the one you love, it does not really matter where you eat or what you will be doing. Wishing all a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Heart-shaped boxes full of candy. Red and pink cards. Roses. Bags of chocolate kisses and hard candies that say, “Be mine.” Advertisements for diamonds in all sizes, shapes and forms. It’s hard to forget the fact that Valentine’s Days is upon us once again. Valentine’s Day represents a wonderful opportunity to tell those we care about the most how we truly feel about them and reminds us that we really should be doing this every day of the year. It’s amazing how a small expression of love and appreciation can improve a relationship, but many of us forget this little bit of relationship advice. For this reason, for most couples Valentine’s Day offers a great chance to recommit to truly appreciating and loving each other.

If you are newly in love, you likely express your feelings both verbally and physically often and shower your partner with flowers and love-laced poems, cards and gifts on a regular basis. Valentine’s day represents just one more opportunity to do more of the same. That’s one of the reasons that new relationships thrive – the partners are so focused on showing their love and appreciation for each other.

If you are in a long-term relationship, however, you might more often forget to say “I love you” or to show your spouse or significant other on a regular basis that he or she is appreciated and adored. In other words, you might not appreciate your partner or spouse – or show that appreciation even if you feel it. Such couples should celebrate Valentine’s even if they don’t feel like it, because it’s a great reminder and opportunity to express their love and to show their appreciation outwardly for those deep down inside they care about most – even if they no longer realize it.

If you are stuck in a relationship rut, Valentine’s Day can serve as the beginning of a new “love and appreciation” campaign that last not just for 24 hours but all year long – in fact, all relationship long. Instead of making February 14th a Hallmark holiday – one that simply involves the purchasing of a card and a gift – you can make it the first day that you commit to revving up the romance in your relationship and in your life. You can spend time and energy remember and expressing all the reasons why you first loved and appreciated your partner, and then you can watch how the relationship heats up.

The longer people are married or together, the more common it is for them to take each other and their relationship for granted. So, Valentine’s Day offers them a chance to remember how much they love and appreciate each other. It’s a chance to commemorate the many year’s they’ve been together and to recommit to their relationship once again.

Just like an anniversary or a retaking of wedding vows, Valentine’s day can be a time when couples say, “I’d marry you all over again.” Or it can be a time to look back over the years and remember both the good and the bad times, the easy and the hard times, and to be grateful they weathered them all together.

Since Valentine’s Day does only come once a year, remember to show your appreciation and gratitude for those you love on a regular basis. It’s so easy to forget to say “thank you” and “I really appreciate it when you do that” and “I love you.” Learn to shower your partner with gratitude so he or she always feels loved and appreciated. Don’t wait for a special day like Valentine’s Day. Do it every day. Your partner will love you for it. And your love will grow because of it.

When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.

And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned toast in front of my dad.

I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!

Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the toast. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Baby, I love burned toast.” 

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned.

He wrapped me in his arms and said,”Debbie, your momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!” 

In bed that night, I thought about that scene at dinner…and the kindness my daddy showed my mom.

To this day, it’s a cherished memory from my childhood that I’ll never forget.

And it’s one that came to mind just recently when Jack and I sat down to eat dinner. I had arrived home late…as usual…and decided we would have breakfast food for dinner. Some things never change, I suppose! To my amazement, I found the ingredients I needed, and quickly began to cook eggs, turkey sausage, and buttered toast.

Thinking I had things under control, I glanced through the mail for the day. It was only a few minutes later that I remembered that I had forgotten to take the toast out of the oven! Now, had it been any other day — and had we had more than two pieces of bread in the entire house — I would have started all over. But it had been one of those days and I had just used up the last two pieces of bread. So burnt toast it was!

As I set the plate down in front of Jack, I waited for a comment about the toast.

But all I got was a “Thank you!”

I watched as he ate bite by bite, all the time waiting for some comment about the toast. But instead, all Jack said was, “Babe, this is great. Thanks for cooking tonight. I know you had a hard day.” 

As I took a bite of my charred toast that night, I thought about my mom and dad…how burnt toast hadn’t been a deal-breaker for them. And I quietly thanked God for giving me a marriage where burnt toast wasn’t a deal-breaker either!

You know, life is full of imperfect things…and imperfect people. I’m not the best housekeeper or cook. And you might be surprised to find out that Jack isn’t the perfect husband! He likes to play his music too loud, he will always find a way to avoid yard work, and he watches far too many sports. Believe it or not, watching ” Golf Academy” is not my idea of a great night at home!

But somehow in the past 37 years Jack and I have learned to accept the imperfections in each other. Over time, we have stopped trying to make each other in our own mold and have learned to celebrate our differences.

You might say that we’ve learned to love each other for who we really are!

For example, I like to take my time, I’m a perfectionist, and I’m even-tempered. I tend to work too much and sleep too little. Jack, on the other hand, is disciplined, studious, an early riser, and is a marketer’s dream consumer. I count pennies and Jack could care less! Where he is strong, I am weak, and vice verse.

And while you might say that Jack and I are opposites, we’re also very much alike. I can look at him and tell you what he’s thinking. I can predict his actions before he finalizes his plans. On the other hand, he knows whether I’m troubled or not the moment I enter a room. We share the same goals. We love the same things. And we are still best friends. We’ve traveled through many valleys and enjoyed many mountaintops. And yet, at the same time, Jack and I must work every minute of every day to make this thing called “marriage” work!

What I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults – and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences – is the one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting marriage relationship.

1. Not having sex

A sexless marriage is a common bad habit that too many married couples fall into. But the importance of sex cannot be minimized. Sex serves as one of the best ways to develop and maintain intimacy, but when you go without sex for so long you get so used to it that your mind begins to not want it anymore.

Many issues can contribute to a sexless marriage, like pregnancy, stress, fatigue or resentment. But here’s how to save your marriage from this bad habit: have sex! Even if you don’t feel like it, do it. Don’t turn down your partner unless there’s a very good reason. Luckily, once you just do it, you’ll probably actually enjoy yourself.

2. Spending too much time with the in-laws

Another common bad habit married couples fall into is in-law interference with marriage. Many couples will tell you that in-law issues can quickly become a source of frustration and resentment in the marriage. The interference is caused by spending too much time with the in-laws (especially at your own home), providing private information about your marriage or spouse to them, or siding with them over your spouse.

While a spouse can be rightfully close to his or her family, the disloyalty will do nothing to save your marriage. First and foremost, your loyalty lies with your marriage, and just because it’s family doesn’t mean it’s OK to gossip or betray your spouse.

3. Not consulting your partner about purchases

Many married couples will tell you that the issue of money is the most contentious of marital problems. Sometimes it’s the intentional refusal to disclose where money is being spent, and sometimes it’s just a bad habit of not being on the same page with monetary purchases or goals.

The fact remains that marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word, and developing a bad money habit will not only cause anger and resentment, but it can also compromise your financial security. This is one habit not worth picking up.

4. Forgetting the smaller gestures

Even the small ones matter when you’re breaking bad habits. Small gestures include kissing your husband or wife when they walk through the door, asking if there’s anything you can get them while you’re up, or offering to do a chore you know your partner hates doing.

Married couples tend to think that because they’ve been together for so long, these thoughtful gestures can be forgone. But it’s these smaller gestures which keep the intimacy alive and keeps you both feeling emotionally connected.

5. Picking up bad habits from your partner

Here is a bad habit within a bad habit. Maybe you’ve started drinking as much as your husband as an excuse to spend more time together, or maybe your wife started letting herself go, and as a result, you don’t frequent the gym or health food aisle as much anymore. Married couples undoubtedly pick up on each other’s bad habits because of the natural close proximity of the relationship. One partner may also pick up on the other’s bad habits as an excuse or as a way to get back at the other (if you can’t beat em, join em). Develop good habits together and practice them as a team.

It’s easier for you to save your marriage from bad habits by nipping them in the bud as soon they develop. But if your bad habits have been around for years, it’s still worth your while to overcome them for the sake of a happy marriage.

This may sound simple, yet for many people, there is one choice far more important to them than kindness. This is the choice to attempt to control others’ feeling and behavior, outcomes, and their own painful feelings.

Kindness to yourself and to others comes from a desire to support your own highest good and the highest good of others. When your highest priority is to support the highest good of all, you are naturally kind. You don’t even have to think about it. It flows easily when your deepest desire is to be a loving, caring person.

But when your deepest desire is to protect yourself from getting hurt, then your automatic choice, particularly in conflict, is likely to attempt to control; with anger, withdrawal, blame, judgment, compliance, or resistance.

Jack claimed to love his wife Jenny. Yet as soon as Jenny didn’t do what he wanted or expected, he would immediately become angry, blaming and judgmental. Jenny, frightened of his anger and of losing his love, would immediately defend and then comply with Jack’s wishes, hoping to have control over his feelings and behavior toward her.

Jenny was afraid to do what she wanted to do. She constantly monitored her behavior, telling herself, “Jack will get mad if I do that.”

With all this anger, defensiveness and compliance, the fun, joy and passion that had been so wonderful at the beginning of their relationship was often non-existent.

Jack and Jenny sought my help because their marriage was in trouble and they wanted to save it. They both loved their two small children and didn’t want to break up the family.

As Jack and Jenny worked through the control issues that each had learned in their families, they started to have fewer conflict. Yet when a conflict did arise, each would automatically revert to their old behavior.

“I am going to give both of you an assignment,” I told them in our phone session. “It is a simple assignment, although not at all easy. This week, I want both of you to focus on being kind to yourselves and to each other. You will not be able to be kind to the other if you are not being kind to yourself. Jack, if you do not take loving care of yourself, you will end up feeling angry with Jenny. Jenny, if you are not taking loving care of yourself, you will end up trying to control Jack with your defensiveness and compliance. I know both of you try very hard to be kind to your children. I want both of you to practice treating yourselves and each other with the same kindness with which you treat your children.”

Both Jack and Jenny agreed to practice this assignment.

The next week, in their phone session, both of them claimed that the first four days of last week had been the best days in years.

“But then we slipped back into our old patterns,” said Jack. I forgot about kindness. Why is it so hard to remember?

“Jack, both you and Jenny have been practicing your controlling behaviors for your whole lives. These patterns are not easy to change. Your automatic unconscious response to fear is to control in some way. It takes a lot of practice for these patterns to change. You need to practice and practice making a conscious choice to be kind rather than slipping into the unconscious choice to control.”

Today, Jack and Jenny’s relationship is much improved. While they still occasionally revert to their controlling behavior, they are able to be kind much more of the time. As a result they are having more fun with each other, and their sexual relationship has greatly improved.