Words are very important. Words can heal and words can harm. Words can hurt grievously and for a long time. The tongue can bless and the tongue can curse. It is very important for us to control our words and tame our tongue when we are angry. Many times, when we are angry we say the most atrocious things. We forget ourselves and become indifferent to what we say. We blast the other person without mercy, although we may not mean those words. But words once spoken cannot be taken back and it takes a long time to forgive and forget.

We have to exercise self-control. Many couples are particularly prone to such outbursts when they get mad. But it is not an easy thing to control our tongue when we are provoked, boiled over with anger or have outburst of wrath. It is at such time that we have to learn to hold our tongue and to remain silent. If we can’t tame our tongue, we have to take a break or go for a walk to cool off. It is much easier to control the words before the blow-up than during the explosion.

Uncontrollable words spoken in anger can have devastating effect. Angry words, that are used unthinkingly, such as I don’t care, I can’t be bothered, I don’t need you, or you can go to hell cause pain and feelings of rejection. They give rise to insecurity. The unmeant and foolish words contain full of deadly poison and can play havoc in the mind. The unruly words get churned over for hours on end and create their worst mischief in a difficult relationship. It can take a very long time to forgive what was said. Let us learn to turn away from angry words before they leave our mouth and try to say healing words instead. It is so important to choose our words wisely.

When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses, often starts by choosing to remain silent or choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.

We must also be very careful that in our anger we do not label our children with ugly names such as fat, stupid, snake, pig, moron, busy-body, useless, good for nothing. Such negative words can do harm to them for years to come! When we say to someone, “You are an ugly, useless, despicable person,” we might have ruined the possibility for a relationship with that person for life. Words can continue to do harm for many years.

Indeed, we do not want to spoil our relationship with our own precious children. We must always use words to build them up not words to knock them down. Be an encourager not a critic. They have enough people criticizing them but far too few approving and affirming them. So to help our children to fulfill their highest potential we should be their greatest ENCOURAGER. Encourage. Encourage. Encourage on every occasion.

Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you. Also, don’t utter vulgar or obscene words, Nor is it fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar. Avoid immoral talks, jokes or gossips. It is not right that any matters of sexual immorality or indecency or greed should even be mentioned among you.

Quarreling does no good, but only ruins the people who listen…Keep away from profane and foolish discussions. Such teaching is like an open sore that eats away the flesh. You must be kind toward all, a good and patient teacher, who is gentle as you correct your opponents.

It is vitally important that we exercise our choice to speak helpful words wherever we are, particularly at home. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement, and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be one of the greatest acts of love. When we choose to speak words of care, words of encouragement, words of praise, words of love, words of admiration, positive words—they uplift and give meaning to our lives.

Everyday we need to give and receive words of encouragement, hope and joy. We then create an environment that is pleasant to be in and that gives us the confidence and courage to cope with our stressful life here and now. When we say to our parents, children, or friends, “I love you very much or I care for you or I think of you often” or “You are my great gift,” we choose to give life.

It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. When a son can say to his father, Dad, I love you, and when a mother can say to her daughter, Child, I love you, a whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.

Often, we want to hear words such as, I’ve been thinking of you today, or I missed you, or I wish you were here, or I really love you. It is not always easy to say these words, but such words can deepen our bonds with one another.

“Telling someone I love you in whatever way is always delivering good news. Nobody will respond by saying, Well, I know that already, you don t have to say it again! Words of love and affirmation are like bread. We need them each day, over and over. They keep us alive inside. When we say, I love you, and say it from the heart, we can give another person new life, new hope, new courage. When we say, I hate you, we can destroy another person. Lets watch our words.”

At the same time, we must be careful that we are sincere in our words because if we say, I love you, without meaning it, then such words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they create new life. They give joy. They bring happiness. We have to make sure that our words are rooted from our heart.

I particularly like the author’s idea of restating what we heard as this not only shows that we are listening, but also reduces any chances of misunderstanding. Most people have the tendency to jump to conclusion or are ever ready to judge what they heard. Thus by restating what they hear, they create a chance to set what they hear in the same direction as the speaker. This makes communication more effective. So the next time when you are ready to speak, probably you want to pause for a few seconds to make sure you get the same meaning as what the speaker wanted to convey.

Communication problems are probably the greatest barriers to happy and healthy relationships. Somewhere in the exchange of thoughts and information something goes wrong. Words come out one way and are meant another. What was said is not interpreted in the way it was intended. Some thoughts should have remained silent. Some thoughts should have been expressed. You expect to be heard and understood, but somehow you aren’t and you wonder what went wrong. Communication problems can leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. And sometimes you might want to scream, “Didn’t you hear me? Why don’t you understand?”

If communicating only involved talking it might seem easy enough. But it isn’t that simple. A major and essential part of communicating involves listening. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. When we speak we want to know we have someone’s undivided attention and proper respect. We want to be accepted and not judged for what we have said or how we have said it. We simply want to be heard—not just our words, but our heart as well. And we want others to respond to us like they really listened.

Listening to understand and empathize requires work and effort. A good way to demonstrate that we are listening is to restate what we believe we heard the speaker communicate. This allows the speaker to verify that our interpretation is accurate. If it’s not, the speaker has the opportunity to communicate the message again until we get it and clarify any possible misunderstandings. For example, “When I said I didn’t like your idea, I didn’t mean I thought it wouldn’t work…” or “When I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment, I meant I need more time…”

Listening also includes the ability to accurately restate what we perceive is the feeling associated with the message. We feel safe to share our feelings and needs with those who are accepting, validating, and care enough to listen to us. When we develop our ability to listen and communicate our understanding of what we have heard, we open the door to greater intimacy. We can become better listeners by first breaking down some common barriers to listening. We can listen five times faster than we can speak. That allows us quite a bit of extra time. Unfortunately, that time is often spent on something other than the person speaking to us and on what they are saying. Instead, we might be preoccupied with what we want to say to them. This creates a barrier that keeps us from listening attentively and empathically. We can’t hear what someone is telling us when a barrier is in the way.

There are all sorts of barriers to good listening. For example, it can be difficult to listen when we are distracted or preoccupied. Our attention isn’t focused on the speaker because other things vie for our attention. So we might hear the speaker some of the time, but miss out on much of what they are trying to communicate. It can be difficult to listen attentively when we are tired or not feeling very alert. It might simply be bad timing. Defensive or negative attitudes can also block us from listening. Inner conflicts might keep us from devoting the necessary attention to actively listen. We might have preconceived notions about what the speaker is talking about. So instead of hearing their thoughts and feelings, we have already formulated our own opinions and attitudes. And we may become preoccupied with our own ideas rather than hear them out.

Breaking down barriers to active listening is a challenge that will never cease to exist. And that is why listening requires work and effort. It takes practice to put aside your own agenda and tune out distractions. And with practice it becomes easier. You will find that being a good listener opens up the channels to better communication. As you listen to understand, you will not only hear others’ words you will also hear their heart. Listen closely and what you hear may surprise you. There is so much you do not have to miss out on if you will only listen.

About the author: Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher, and musician. She is the cofounder of www.NewDayCounseling.org and www.BeHappyforLife.net where you can find hundreds of free resources, online workshops, video presentations, insights, and inspiration to empower people to develop a lifestyle of happiness and love.

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“Can you still do something to save your dying marriage?”

The fact is, there are lots of ways to save a dying marriage and prevent divorce. And if the couple wills it, they can successfully bring back the excitement that is last felt long time ago.

Marital retreat

Married life can be stressful. The work, children, financial obligations, and the overwhelming tasks of living contribute to the slow death of marriage. And in this modern time where it is hard to stay way from stress, the marriage will more likely to fail simply because it never occurred into the couples’ mind that all they need to do is to rest.

Slowing down and taking the time to rest and to forget all the things that keep the couples away from each other could mean bringing back the lost excitement that the couples once have. Spending quality time with each other together with other couples in a marital retreat can work on saving the marriage before it even gets to your mind.

Admitting the mistakes of couples and forgiving each other for any sin they have committed and pain they have caused to one another could save marriage.

Improving the things that has caused cheating to happen is an effective way to keep the family in tacked.

Seeking professional advices and couples therapy is a great way to heal any wound caused by infidelity.

Improving communication

There will come a time when marriage is going nowhere but down. One of the reasons for this is the lack of communication from both parties. This could be because of the limited time they spend together mainly because of career. While making money is important, taking care of the family is priceless. Communication keeps couples emotionally connected. And spending quality time together provides a good venue to keep the lines open.

Marriage counseling is often seen as the last resort in the attempt to save marriage. This is very unfortunate since marriage counselors can be more effective if the couple has seek help when the problem is just beginning to arise. What is more unfortunate is that the notion that once the couples decide to go to marital counseling sessions they have already given up since there are already tremendous emotional buildup inside marriage and there is nowhere to go but to separate. 

Marital counseling should be taken as one of the more effective ways to save marriage and not just as a final nail on the coffin of marriage.

This may sound simple, yet for many people, there is one choice far more important to them than kindness. This is the choice to attempt to control others’ feeling and behavior, outcomes, and their own painful feelings.

Kindness to yourself and to others comes from a desire to support your own highest good and the highest good of others. When your highest priority is to support the highest good of all, you are naturally kind. You don’t even have to think about it. It flows easily when your deepest desire is to be a loving, caring person.

But when your deepest desire is to protect yourself from getting hurt, then your automatic choice, particularly in conflict, is likely to attempt to control; with anger, withdrawal, blame, judgment, compliance, or resistance.

Jack claimed to love his wife Jenny. Yet as soon as Jenny didn’t do what he wanted or expected, he would immediately become angry, blaming and judgmental. Jenny, frightened of his anger and of losing his love, would immediately defend and then comply with Jack’s wishes, hoping to have control over his feelings and behavior toward her.

Jenny was afraid to do what she wanted to do. She constantly monitored her behavior, telling herself, “Jack will get mad if I do that.”

With all this anger, defensiveness and compliance, the fun, joy and passion that had been so wonderful at the beginning of their relationship was often non-existent.

Jack and Jenny sought my help because their marriage was in trouble and they wanted to save it. They both loved their two small children and didn’t want to break up the family.

As Jack and Jenny worked through the control issues that each had learned in their families, they started to have fewer conflict. Yet when a conflict did arise, each would automatically revert to their old behavior.

“I am going to give both of you an assignment,” I told them in our phone session. “It is a simple assignment, although not at all easy. This week, I want both of you to focus on being kind to yourselves and to each other. You will not be able to be kind to the other if you are not being kind to yourself. Jack, if you do not take loving care of yourself, you will end up feeling angry with Jenny. Jenny, if you are not taking loving care of yourself, you will end up trying to control Jack with your defensiveness and compliance. I know both of you try very hard to be kind to your children. I want both of you to practice treating yourselves and each other with the same kindness with which you treat your children.”

Both Jack and Jenny agreed to practice this assignment.

The next week, in their phone session, both of them claimed that the first four days of last week had been the best days in years.

“But then we slipped back into our old patterns,” said Jack. I forgot about kindness. Why is it so hard to remember?

“Jack, both you and Jenny have been practicing your controlling behaviors for your whole lives. These patterns are not easy to change. Your automatic unconscious response to fear is to control in some way. It takes a lot of practice for these patterns to change. You need to practice and practice making a conscious choice to be kind rather than slipping into the unconscious choice to control.”

Today, Jack and Jenny’s relationship is much improved. While they still occasionally revert to their controlling behavior, they are able to be kind much more of the time. As a result they are having more fun with each other, and their sexual relationship has greatly improved.