“Don’t be angry with children, you’ve come along the same way. Don’t laugh at old people; you’d go to the same way.” – Japanese proverb shared by Nyanko from Rain Cats And Dogs.

A tribute to all mothers and fathers in the world. The write up below was translated by me directly from a Chinese poster I saw, pinned up, on one of the doors at my sister’s house. A gentle reminder that we were once ‘old’ when we were young. Does this make sense to you?

A Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers in the world! Thank you all for the unconditional love and sacrifices you have all made for us!

When I am Old

When I am old and not my original self,
Please be understanding and be patient with me.

When I spill the soup on my own clothes,
And forget how to tie my shoelaces,
Please think about how I had taught you, step by step, to tie your shoelaces.

When you are tired of the words, which I am repeating,
Please listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.
When you were young, I had to repeat the same story again and again until you fell asleep.

When I need you to shower me,
Please don’t blame me.
Do you remember how I had to coax you to take your shower?

When I am helpless with new technology and things,
Please don’t make fun of me.
Think about how I patiently answered every ‘Why’ you had.

When both my legs are too tired to walk,
Please stretch out your strong hand to support me.
Just as I stretched out my hand to you, when you were learning to walk.

When the topic of our conversation slip my mind,
Please give me a little time to recall.
Actually, whatever the topic of our conversation is of no importance.
I will be contented, as long as you are listening to me by my side.

When my time has come, please don’t be sad.
Understand me, support me,
Just as how I treated you, when you were starting to learn about living.

No, I did not coin that line. That line was thought of by Yasmin Ahmad and her team. Whoever thought of that line is brilliant; such a simple line and yet enlightening.

Last night, I was chatting with a friend and she was talking to me about her past relationships and somehow I told her something like this, “when you are in love with a person, you will love the person as a whole. You can’t just choose what you love about a person and then write off those parts that you don’t like.” Relationship doesn’t happen this way. Very often when we love someone, we have to accept the ‘package’ that comes with the person, be it good or bad.

And yet there are some who are still searching for the ideal or perfect partner.

Below is a new TV commercial launched by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) which looks at relationships in a different light. Something from the video that we can use to remind ourselves of the beautifully imperfections: “ … in the end, its these small things that you remember … little imperfections that make them perfect for you.” Perhaps, you can spare 3 minutes of your time to watch this video?

I particularly like the author’s idea of restating what we heard as this not only shows that we are listening, but also reduces any chances of misunderstanding. Most people have the tendency to jump to conclusion or are ever ready to judge what they heard. Thus by restating what they hear, they create a chance to set what they hear in the same direction as the speaker. This makes communication more effective. So the next time when you are ready to speak, probably you want to pause for a few seconds to make sure you get the same meaning as what the speaker wanted to convey.

Communication problems are probably the greatest barriers to happy and healthy relationships. Somewhere in the exchange of thoughts and information something goes wrong. Words come out one way and are meant another. What was said is not interpreted in the way it was intended. Some thoughts should have remained silent. Some thoughts should have been expressed. You expect to be heard and understood, but somehow you aren’t and you wonder what went wrong. Communication problems can leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. And sometimes you might want to scream, “Didn’t you hear me? Why don’t you understand?”

If communicating only involved talking it might seem easy enough. But it isn’t that simple. A major and essential part of communicating involves listening. Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. When we speak we want to know we have someone’s undivided attention and proper respect. We want to be accepted and not judged for what we have said or how we have said it. We simply want to be heard—not just our words, but our heart as well. And we want others to respond to us like they really listened.

Listening to understand and empathize requires work and effort. A good way to demonstrate that we are listening is to restate what we believe we heard the speaker communicate. This allows the speaker to verify that our interpretation is accurate. If it’s not, the speaker has the opportunity to communicate the message again until we get it and clarify any possible misunderstandings. For example, “When I said I didn’t like your idea, I didn’t mean I thought it wouldn’t work…” or “When I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment, I meant I need more time…”

Listening also includes the ability to accurately restate what we perceive is the feeling associated with the message. We feel safe to share our feelings and needs with those who are accepting, validating, and care enough to listen to us. When we develop our ability to listen and communicate our understanding of what we have heard, we open the door to greater intimacy. We can become better listeners by first breaking down some common barriers to listening. We can listen five times faster than we can speak. That allows us quite a bit of extra time. Unfortunately, that time is often spent on something other than the person speaking to us and on what they are saying. Instead, we might be preoccupied with what we want to say to them. This creates a barrier that keeps us from listening attentively and empathically. We can’t hear what someone is telling us when a barrier is in the way.

There are all sorts of barriers to good listening. For example, it can be difficult to listen when we are distracted or preoccupied. Our attention isn’t focused on the speaker because other things vie for our attention. So we might hear the speaker some of the time, but miss out on much of what they are trying to communicate. It can be difficult to listen attentively when we are tired or not feeling very alert. It might simply be bad timing. Defensive or negative attitudes can also block us from listening. Inner conflicts might keep us from devoting the necessary attention to actively listen. We might have preconceived notions about what the speaker is talking about. So instead of hearing their thoughts and feelings, we have already formulated our own opinions and attitudes. And we may become preoccupied with our own ideas rather than hear them out.

Breaking down barriers to active listening is a challenge that will never cease to exist. And that is why listening requires work and effort. It takes practice to put aside your own agenda and tune out distractions. And with practice it becomes easier. You will find that being a good listener opens up the channels to better communication. As you listen to understand, you will not only hear others’ words you will also hear their heart. Listen closely and what you hear may surprise you. There is so much you do not have to miss out on if you will only listen.

About the author: Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher, and musician. She is the cofounder of www.NewDayCounseling.org and www.BeHappyforLife.net where you can find hundreds of free resources, online workshops, video presentations, insights, and inspiration to empower people to develop a lifestyle of happiness and love.

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1 Litre of Tears Episode 6