The questions are, “Was person A seeking solutions from person B for her problems at work? Or person A simply needed a listening ear?” There are no straightforward answers for this.

This is one common mistake in relationship which I tend to make very often previously. Usually when someone told me his/her problem, I just assumed that I was supposed to fix it. You can guess the frustration when the person said, “I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice.” In my mind I was wondering, “Why are you telling me about your problem in the first place when you don’t need my opinion or advice?” I didn’t understand that the person just needed someone to talk to and at time to sympathize with his/her situation.

I have come to realise that we are not expected to fix problems always from books and seminars which I attended. From then onwards, I tried to be a mind-reader; trying my best to grasp what the other person needed. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Wouldn’t it be much easier if the person just tell us what he/she wants?

In the book ‘Finding the Words: Candid Conversations with Loved Ones,’ the author Susan P. Halpern cited a story:

Lester felt inadequate, he realized, when Judy aired her personal concerns. He did not know what to do or say. His impulse was to think up a solution right away. All Judy wanted from Lester was that he listen when she talked about herself. He did not need to fix anything.

… Only by telling our partner what we want can the need be met. Judy realised that she only wanted to be listened to. That was it. She wanted to hear herself talk through her issues, maybe get a little sympathy, and she would be fine.

When Lester came up with his great ideas, Judy felt he was saying she was dumb for not thinking of them herself. She felt belittled and dependent. He was the only one who could fix things, she felt.

When she told him that she just needed time to talk and a friendly ear, she felt better and she went on to handle her problems in her own way. Judy had to tell Lester that she just wanted him to listen, and he learned to do just that.

In communication, we not only need to listen attentively, patiently and openly but we also need to convey our thought and need accordingly. Trying to read mind or assuming the need of another is a mistake that cause tension and conflict between a couple, family members and friends. We need to clearly communicate to each other what we want.

I am not talking about such sleeping problems where you would be able to seek help professionally or through self-help by making changes to your lifestyles. Before I misled you further, please allow me to rephrase my sentence to make it clearer, “Do you sleep with a peace of mind at night?”

I believe most of us can sleep peacefully without waking up in cold sweat to nightmares at night. I remembered Richard Branson said something along this line, in one of his books, “Don’t do things that will cause you to have problem sleeping at night.” I couldn’t remember the exact words but I gathered he meant we must not do anything bad or against our conscience lest we will be troubled in sleep at night; we always have a choice.

As the saying goes, “To err is human.” Most of us would have made mistakes or errors in our lives. Some of them big, and continue to haunt us for life. Some of them small, and we readily forget. When we made mistakes, we must learn from them and be brave enough to face the consequences; running away is not an option.

Apparently not all people share the same thought and they will flee at the first chance. Dr. Silviu Ionescu, former Romanian diplomat in Singapore, linked to two hit-and-run accidents which killed one and left two injured is one such person. He was believed to be drunk driving when it happened. He was requested to return to Singapore for a coroner’s inquiry. However, Dr. Ionescu said his failing health was the main reason he may not return. He claimed that he could die as a result of his illness, believed to be diabetes.

He firmly denied having anything to do with the accident that killed one, or another later that day that left two people injured.

In remarks to the newspaper, Dr. Ionescu said: ‘I read in newspapers that prosecutors (in Singapore) were accusing me long before they had the right to. They should have done a preliminary inquiry first. It was clearly a sign that I shouldn’t come back.’

Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman said that they were puzzled by Dr. Ionescu’s comments. According to the spokesman, “…no charges have been made and no judgment has been passed on Dr. Ionescu. … He should take the opportunity to give his account of the events in order that the true circumstances surrounding the accidents may be determined.”

Was he the one? I have no wish to discuss or pass judgment here because he is the only one who knows. If he was not the one, then all the more he should stand up and clear himself. If he was, then he should return to Singapore to face the consequence.

I am appalled how one can do something like that and yet sleep peacefully at night. How can he/she face others and look them in the eyes? And how can one look at himself/herself in the mirror?

You may be curious to know what is taught in the class. According to the newspaper report by Richard Hartung (a consultant living in Singapore since 1992), there is no exams or grades - just homework. Like, do something kind for someone we love and then do something for someone we don’t know. I would like to call it enlisting people into a kindness movement by getting them to consciously perform act of kindness for their loved ones and even for people they do not know.

As Richard says, “Kindness - the ripple with no end.” Indeed, the ripples generate from the act of kindness will travel far and wide; they will go on to affect many others from where they first start. However, the ripples on the surface of the water in a lake will stop if the factor generating the ripples stop. Like the rain stops falling on the lake or someone stops throwing stone into it.

Like the water ripples, the kindness ripples will stop too if we stop being kind. Therefore, we must continue to perform act of kindness in order for the kindness ripples to continue.

Richard asked a question, “Does a kind act here or there really make a difference?” I believe that no matter how small a kind act may be, it will go on to create ripples; it will always make a difference. As Dilbert creator Scott Adams put it more simply, “Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”

Not only that, as stated in the newspaper report, “Thinkers from Confucius to Dalai Lama as well as research from the US National Institutes of Health and many other sources all cite benefits to both giver and receiver.” We don’t need to be a genius like Albert Einstein to understand that; who has not felt good from being kind to loved ones and to strangers?

A water ripple that hits a wall before it disappears may bounce back to its source, depending on the strength of the ripple and how far the wall is. However, a kindness ripple generated will propagate and eventually but surely, it will go back to its source.

Let us take the time today to generate a kindness ripple through a small act of kindness, which will surely bring happiness to the life of others and to yourself.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

“Invictus” is a poem written in 1875 by English poet William Ernest Henley. The word means “unconquered” in Latin.The last two lines were repeated on several occasions by Morgan Freeman in his performance as Nelson Mandela in the film “Invictus,” about Mandela’s efforts to unite his country around hosting and winning the 1995 rugby World Cup. It was said that Nelson Mandela had this poem written on a piece of paper he kept during his years in a South African prison. According to Mandela, the poem helped him cope with the pain of injustice and imprisonment.

In the movie, Mandela gives the “Invictus” poem to his national rugby team’s captain Francois Pienaar before the start of the Rugby World Cup. In reality, Mandela provided Pienaar with an extract from Theodore Roosevelt’s “The Man in the Arena” speech from 1910. An excerpt of the speech from Wikipedia as below:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I hope that the poem “Invictus” can give you the strength to overcome whatever challenges that you may be facing and can inspire you like it has helped Nelson Mandela to survive 27 years in imprisonment.